Ep. 8- The Poopspiracy

We read three chaotic Reddit confessions and find the sweet spot between cringe and catharsis, from an unflushable moment to a claustrophobic elevator saga and a truly cursed bathroom visit. Along the way we share a real outback rescue, a $230 bottle-o mistake, and why laughter beats shame.

• floating turd date panic and the cat reveal
• why early dating perfection is a trap
• poop knife lore and coping with bodily reality
• elevator gate jiggle and sudden claustrophobia
• grounding, breathwork, and staying calm in tight spaces
• outback heat, no signal, and helping strangers
• first-time sex worker visit and safety red flags
• consent, hygiene, and trusting your gut
• Patreon plans for spicier stories and extras

Thanks for hanging out with us while we dove into Reddit Stories, shared our unfiltered takes, and maybe judged just a little. If you enjoyed it, hit subscribe, leave a review, and share this with someone who lives for internet chaos and hot opinions just as much as you do. We've also just launched our Patreon with free memberships available, plus bonus episodes and extra juicy stories that were simply too wild for the main feed. You can find us on Instagram at Mum's Gone Wild Official and TikTok at Mum's Gone Wild Pod. Come say hi, send us your stories, and keep the madness going.

Transcript

Welcome, Drinks, And Chaotic Catch-Up

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Mum's Gone Wild, the show where Reddit meets real talk and chaos meets comedy. I'm Chloe. And I'm Paula. Every week we'll dive into Reddit's wildest posts and juiciest write-ins. Warning, the advice you're about to hear is completely unsolicited, mildly unhinged, and definitely not professional.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

But hey, we're not therapists, but that's never stopped us from giving our opinions anyway. So let's get unhinged.

SPEAKER_03 0:35

Hello. Sorry, I've just My Micah turned off. I know the same with mine.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

I'm just like, is that all?

unknown 0:43

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

There we go. Hello. Hello. Happy Sunday. Happy Sunday. We're a little bit behind in the episode updates, episode recordings, and all of these sorts of things because life is happening and That's just what happens. But it's Sunday afternoon, so it's drinking time. I am currently getting my daughter drinking, which she doesn't do. No. And we're making our way through a are we allowed to say names on here? Sorry. We're not getting paid for anything at the moment, so no one's endorsing us, so we can just say we'll have it. It would be fun if they sponsored us. I know. So anyway, not that big yet. That hard-rated solo, hard-rated, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Hard solo, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_03 1:25

They've just come out with a whole heap of different flavours. Oh, sorry, if I yell out obscenities every now and then, Chloe has a new puppy and she keeps biting our feet. So we just we tasted the lemon and pineapple yesterday. And then there is a story that Chloe will share with you. But I did buy the orange and they are yummy. So that's what we're currently yeah. That's zero alcohol taste. It's dangerous. It's not zero alcohol. It's just zero alcohol. It's a zero alcohol taste. Yeah. Zero sugar. Yeah. Is this one zero sugar? They are, they're one away because I wouldn't be drinking them if they're not. Well, they don't have zero sugar on them. That's probably why they taste so good, mum.

unknown 2:06

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

No, it's this has got carbonated water, sugar, food acid. So these aren't sugar free.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

That's why they taste so good.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Damn it. Lucky I only got four packs.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

Well, the ones I got were zero sugar.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

Do you have any in the fridge?

SPEAKER_03 2:25

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Can I have one?

SPEAKER_03 2:27

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Where are they? This fridge?

SPEAKER_03 2:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

Oh, not that fridge. Okay.

unknown 2:33

Alright.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

But they'll leave you my sugar ones. I ain't drinking that anymore. But it's super yummy. Yeah, well, that's why it's yummy, because they're full of sugar. Alright, anyway, anyway. I do have a story about the heart-rated. And if you know me, you know that I don't drink what I say that as I'm having alcoholic beverage. Yeah. But yeah, as a rule, I don't really drink. It's not that's a rule, you don't like it. No, I'm not a big fan. Like back in the day, I liked it. But I just a few hangovers, too many. And I being a mum and all those sorts of things, I'm just not a fan. Anyway, so Marlot calls me yesterday and she goes, Oh, Chloe, while you're at Aldi, can you swing into the bottle shop and get me some of the hard-rated lemon and pineapple flavour? And I was like, Yeah, sure, no worries. I could do that. Now, I'm just gonna mention here that you didn't specify how many. No, I didn't specify how many. I feel like I did specify I wanted to taste them because a friend of mine came over and was drinking them, and I wanted to taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you said, Can you get me some? Anyway, that is a relevant part of this story. And it's a really inviting you. It's a mum, you it's a today I fucked up. It is a today fucked up story. Yeah, that mum asked me to go to the bottle shop because I done my food shopping, loaded the kids in the car, get through the drive-thru, and I very confidently said to the gentleman that came to my window and said, What would you like? And I forget that I'm nearly 32 years old and driving

Chloe’s $230 Bottle-O Fiasco

SPEAKER_03 4:20

through the drive-thru like a little bit like anxiety. I'm like, Well, am I even old enough to do this? Like, I'm doing something illegal. I've got kids in the car and getting alcohol. Buying alcohol for my mum. Anyway, so I confidently said, Can I please get two cartons of hard rated lemon and pineapple? And he's like, sure. Would you like them cold or like hot ones? And I was like, cold ones are fine. And he goes, Do you have a Wooly's Everyday Rewards card? And I was like, Yeah, scan that. And then I don't think he said the price, or if he didn't say it very loud, because I had zero reaction over this. And I just tap my little card, pay. Anyway, anyway, he walks out and puts through my window two cartons, like proper cartons, not 10 packs, not a four-pack, an actual carton of 24 cans, not one, but two, because I asked for two cartons, and I was too embarrassed. And you were in deep. You were in deep. I'd already paid. I didn't want to. There was people behind me, and I was like, do I ask? I don't know, I don't need this many. I don't need 50 cans about 50 cans of alcohol. I don't even drink alcohol. I don't even need a carton. The four pack would last me six months. And as I drove away, I was like, How much did this cost? Looked at the receipt. $230 for two cartons of alcohol. Fucking ridiculous, mate. That's just horrendous. That's so much money. That's so much money. And I nearly passed out. So for me to taste one of these to see whether I even like it, it cost me $115. And today's lesson is that we don't send Chloe to the bottle shop because I think I'm underrated and shouldn't be buying alcohol. I panic. And then I say it's just like ordering maccas, you're right. You go in there, this else, you go up through the drive-thru, right? And I was expecting, can I get a carton of thing? It's just like saying, can I get a meal, a chicken burger meal? And they go, sure, would you like small, medium, or large? They don't say that. No, they don't. They should maybe did you want four pack, ten pack? Carton. Yes. And that would have been like four pack. Because that's the carton that I meant. It comes in a carton. It does, a cardboard carton. It does, it does. I'm gonna give you that. Oh you just need to know alcohol speak. And then you got slabs and blocks and cartons. Oh god. Fucking palate. Can I have a crate of hearts? Oh, anyway, so I feel like that story setting setting the theme of today's episode of Today I Fucked Up. You did. You did truly fuck up yesterday. It was an expensive mistake for us both that you put me in that category with your mistake that I had to pay for. Sorry about that. To be fair, I'd already been stung that morning. I bought two outfits from a certain store. Like a store that's just like kitty's clothes, like it is there's no labels involved, it's just a kitty clothes thing. I bought two outfits, one for a four-year-old and one for a not even a one-year-old. 70 bucks. Yeah, it's a difference. You're gonna wait until they've got the 30% off sales. $70. It went $69.95 or something like that. So then I was the same though. So I'm too in too deep now to say no, thank you. Yeah, because I probably should have checked the price tag before I went up there, but I just I didn't. I just thought it would be fun. Anyway, that was that. Shall we get started with our story? We shall we shall get started. I do, I have one here, and you have a few because you were so way more prepared than me. Really not, but I do have a few, and we've got I'll let you choose which ones you want to hear. Sure. And then whatever ones you don't choose, we'll put on our Patreon that we are creating. So it's not out yet, but it will be available. We are getting a little backlog of episodes

Setting The Theme: Today I Fucked Up

SPEAKER_03 8:40

together that I let go a little bit more than what I do on this one. I'm a little bit reserved with mine. Yeah. So I feel like I'm willing to let myself go a little bit more with Patreon episodes. Yeah. I am middle-aged now, so I have to be a bit responsible. But we're Patreon concerned, like, what the fuck? Yeah. Throw caution to the wind. They pay us. You can hear whatever you want to hear. Yeah. All right, so I have actually read your titles out first, and then I'll. Alright, well, at the minute, I've got one that I'm honing in on.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

Today I fucked up by finding out that I'm claustrophobic, getting disrobed in an elevator, and having a family watch me put my clothes back on. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

I actually have a friend that has claustrophobia. And so when I'm reading this, I keep picturing her like in it. And she listens to this podcast too, don't you? I think she does, and her daughter does too. So they would know exactly who I'm talking about. So it's so funny because as I'm reading it, I'm just thinking of her little face stuck in the elevator.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

That's this would be so her. Sometimes I read things and I'm like, oh, this sounds like this person that's.

SPEAKER_03 9:57

But just a reminder that we do not speak about people we know, know. And this I this one I just came across because I thought it would be funny. It's I've picked the story first, and then I've linked someone that I know. I did it's I'm not linking someone I know to a story. Yeah, so please we've had a few online. There's a few people out there that just seem to think that everything's about them. Yeah. It's not, it's not. Where if you're not sure about Reddit, I encourage you to go onto Google, type in Reddit, and see what Reddit is about because there is it is worldwide. A lot of people write in stories, some of them probably made up, some are not. It's just entertaining. It's just once you get the hang of the program, it's just entertaining. And we're just reading a story. And if you relate to that story, that's great, but we're not relating it to you. Yeah, 100%. It's not. It is just a story. It's just a bit of fun. And do you know what? If you can hear any story and you're going to relate someone you know, someone you did, something to it, it is not about you, we promise. Yeah, like one of the titles I've got here. Okay, so let's go into it. If you at all listeners have ever left a floating turn at your date's place, then this story may or may not be about you. I'm not sure. You might be able to relate to it. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

I like I'm not going to get into my stories, but I've just even at home had one that just refuses to go down the toilet system. Like it is airy, floaty.

SPEAKER_03 11:34

That's a healthy thing. It is a healthy poo. But sick, motherfucker.

Story One: The Floating Turd Date

SPEAKER_02 11:40

Go down the tubes. We don't need you up here anymore. I evacuate evacuated you out of the house. So 40.

SPEAKER_03 11:49

You're out. Go, be free. Flush. You've got to put heaps of toilet paper on top for it to get the weight. Or if you've ever gone to a sex worker's house, then you might possibly relate to this story as well. Yeah, well, that was me last week. I've not been to the clarification. I have not disclaimer to a sex worker device.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

Or have I?

SPEAKER_03 12:16

Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Wait for Patreon. No, really.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

You're gonna start rumors. Look at hell. This town's already bad enough as it is. The rumour meal. Gotta love it. Alright, and my next one I have is today I fucked up by finally ending my hermit era to find my soulmate, only to realise that he is my biological uncle. Wolsley. Holy dolly. So what two titles would you like to listen to today, mother? And which one are you saving for Patreon?

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Patreon, I think we could.

SPEAKER_03 12:56

I think maybe the uncle one. Patreon. That's pretty spicy. Today I fucked up by ending my hermit era by fight to find my soulmate only to realise that he's my biological uncle. Yeah. Save that for Patreon. I think so. Yeah. It's pretty interesting. And not that the others aren't, but I'm just like, maybe you're just throwing this at me. So just like the turd one got me. I feel like I need to know what happened with the turd.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

Like that just reminds me of. Do you remember that friends episode with Ross with the leather pants? Oh, yeah. He was at his girlfriend's house and he went to feather to he was so sweaty and then he couldn't get his tight leather pants back on, so he's using her creams. Just powder it's just okay. He just didn't know what to do. Anyway, that's so funny. That's funny. So you've got one story for us today. I have a story for you today. It's a longie. Yeah, but you've only got the one. I at the moment, yeah, but that's okay. I do have others, but I'm just I don't know whether I'm sold on them yet. No, it's okay. We can do three stories today. That's right. All right, so I'll start then because I've got two. Yeah. You're right. What is going on? What the fuck is that? I've got a new ring and it's a thick ring. Do you guys ever anyone wear thick rings on their fingers and then they get water moisture underneath, and then suddenly there's a little pain, you take your ring off, and half your fingers being no chewed away by the anyway. Okay, moving right along. Okay. Let's start off strong by today. I fucked up by leaving a floating turd at my date's place. Okay. This happened a couple of weeks ago, and I still feel my soul leave my body every time I think about it. So picture this. I was at my new girlfriend's apartment for dinner. I don't know why when I first read the title, I was thinking it was a girl. I don't know why. I went straight to a guy. Yeah, okay. Okay, I went to a guy. I was at my new girlfriend's apartment for dinner. Things are going perfectly. We cooked together, shared some beer, and we're all laughing about everything. You know that stage when you're still pretending to be the best version of yourself? Yep, that was me. I don't think that version. Then halfway through the movie, my stomach decided to betray me. Not politely, not with a gentle hint. It went full. Was that bol boys? Bolster? Yeah. Bolster. Now go on. Or sorry, pineapple. Then halfway to the movie, my stomach decided to portray me, not politely, not with a gentle hint. It went full bolster. Go now or regret it forever. I excused myself and casually as I could, I went to the bathroom. Now this wasn't anything catastrophic. No clogged pipes, no dramatic explosion, just a very normal, very unremarkable bathroom break. At least that's what I'd thought.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

Oh I could never poo at somebody's house. I still can't even poo at work. Like I can't poo. I can't poo.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Yeah, I just there's no, I just can't. I'm like, kudos to you, all you people that can just go anywhere when the urge happens, you just go. Well done. Standing ovation, think you're amazing. Mine just scurries its way back up the colon and stays there for then another day or two. Goes into hiding. Yeah. Like I don't even have to make any effort. It just on its side, it backpedals back up the tracks. Yeah, 100%. It's not coming. Well, I did my business, wiped, washed my hands, and hit the flush. Rearing its ugly head back again. Except when the water settled, there it was. Oh no. A lone floater. More like a lone wolf staring at me for a jewel. Yeah. I flushed again. Same result. And there's not enough water. We went to look.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

There's not enough water in my can relate to this story.

SPEAKER_03 17:09

It's coming back. There's not enough water. You gotta wait a couple of minutes for the ciston to fill it up, put some weight on it. The water swelled around dramatically, but when it cleared, still there. My enemy, my shame, my unexpected creation. So I flushed a third time. And by this point, I was starting to panic. This turd wasn't just floating, it was thriving. Swelling. The damn thing had the density of a pool noodle and it wasn't going anywhere. And now time was ticking. I'd already been gone longer than I should have. If I stayed too much longer, see? This is a sting. Sorry. This is why I can't pull in public. Because people know that you've been gone for too long. They're like, oh, they're pooping. Yeah, she'd under I thought she'd wonder what on earth I was doing. But I couldn't just leave it there. Imagine the horror of her walking in there after me, seeing the floater, and instantly knowing what I'd been up to. Relationship, dead, reputation, destroyed. So I went into x-ray mode. I scanned the bathroom for tools. Toilet brush, nope. Plunger, nope, air freshener, shh. But that didn't solve the problem. The only option was to try and manually intervene.

Enter The Poop Knife Lore

SPEAKER_03 18:40

Oh no, what's he gonna do? Pick him up. What are you gonna do with it? I grabbed some toilet paper, I folded it into layers thick enough to feel like a hazmat suit. And I went fishing. Oh poor person. I thought maybe if I nudged it, it would finally cooperate and go down. Nope. It's there for the long time. Nope. Then I buried it under some tissues and prayed. She'd never notice. I washed my hands like a surgeon about to perform heart surgery, splashed water on my face and walked back out. I think it was casual. She smiled at me, asked if I was okay, and said something, and I said something stupid, yeah, just washing my hands really well. As soon as she said, Are you okay? straight up there. That was when you've been gone a long time. What have you been doing in there? Are you okay? I thought I was safe. Oh no, did she go? Oh my god, did she go in after you? Oh can you imagine how he felt if she says, Oh, I've just got to go to the toilet. He would have been okay, going home. Bath ballard. So the next morning. Oh, phew, okay. She texted me. Thanks for the surprise, honey. So did you throw something weird in my bathroom trash? My heart stopped. Oh my god, he didn't even he put it in the bin? I don't think so. Remember, he left it in the toilet. Well, that's what I thought. So what's weird in the trash can? Well, apparently her cat had gotten curious, knocked over the trash can after I left. She found the suspiciously heavy toilet paper wrap. Oh, so she did put it in the toilet. Oh, he folded the poot, we've been fishing for the poot and wrapped it up and pretty much. Oh, I thought he left it in the toilet. Oh my god, okay. She found the suspiciously heavy toilet paper wrapped package on the floor. She opened it and it poo! And she knew.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

I had no defense, no excuse, no way out. I admitted everything in a haze of shame. She laughed so hard she cried and said, Peter, you could have just left it. That's what bathrooms are for. To this day, she teases me about it. Every time we're at her place and I get up to use a bathroom, she calls out, Good luck sticking it in. Good luck. Oh, good luck thinking it this time. I'll never live this down. Oh, what an awesome story. She's a keeper, bend the knee, mate, marriage, Marriott. Yeah, yeah. This was only posted five months ago. Oh my god. The top comment for this one was. Where'd it go? Damn, microplastics keep that thing afloat. Oh my god, I don't want that story for a Sunday afternoon. That's so funny. Someone said when they suggested you eat noodles, they meant rum and not pull. And then I now have to think about paying more attention to what I'm eating. Someone said too much fiber. Yeah, mate. That was a stick around, that one. Yeah. Oh. Ooh, someone said the one time when a poop knife would have solved your problem. And then someone goes, What in the world is a poop knife? There's a link. There's a link to the poop knife. I know what a poop knife is. I've heard of it before. Can you embrace or do you not want to? Yeah, well, I'm just gonna go into the museum or Reddit. Okay. Oh, there's another story about a poop knife. The poop knife. Oh my god, it's an actual thing. It's a poop knife. What do you do with the poop knife? Do you chop it up? Oh, I feel like I need to read it now. Oh my god, read it. This could be my story. Let's just this be my second one. Okay, this is by a Reddit historian. Okay. Yeah. My family poops big. Can I just pause for a second? Yeah, can you just tell me what you think? I'm just thinking, you can never go wrong with a poop story. Oh. Like, how's our family? We're always we're at the dinner table and someone comes with a poop story, and it just opens up for communication.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

That's great.

SPEAKER_03 23:00

But you see, everyone's still embarrassed. Like for me, I'm not embarrassed to poop, but maybe I am because I cannot poop at work. I cannot poop anywhere else but at my house. Some people like pooping at work because I get paid to poop. Well, 100%. But I well, even camping. Do you know what I mean? Like camping, it's it stays put until I get home. And then I turn into my street and then it's knocking on the back door, ready to come out. Like it just my body relaxes. But yeah, as soon as you start talking about poop, everyone's like that. It opens up a world of conversation. If you're never stuck at a formal dinner or anything, just bring up poop. I know. It's a conversation starter. Yeah, it really is. Don't you know the poop poop knife? I'm learning something here, people. I do not know what a poop knife is. Well, there might be people sitting in their colours, doing their washing, also learning about a poop knife, did I? That didn't think they wanted to learn about a poop knife. Hey, I didn't think that this story was there, except it's now related to the flow dip previous. You might have a problem and you might need a poop knife. Anyway, go. Family of big poopers. Let's go. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone had laid a mega poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl, and the vortex of draining water nearly gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family just had a pooped knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room. It's actually got a place. Only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk

Story Two: Claustrophobia In A Vintage Lift

SPEAKER_03 24:40

through the hallway and have someone call out, hey, can you get me the poop knife? I thought it was a standard kit. I can't even drink my drink. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your pocket knife. Fast forward to 22. Been a day or two between poops. I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was a local dealer and always had guests over.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

There's another story.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

Guests over. And he said guests over. Because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself. I lay a gigantic turd. I look down to see it's sideways one. It's a sideways one. So I crack the door to call out to my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. My what? Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. What the fuck is a poop knife? Obviously, he has one, but maybe he calls it a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver, a dumb divider. I explain what it is and I want it. I explain what I explain what it is and I want and why I need it. He starts giggling and then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out the music stopped and everyone had heard my fucking pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them have poop knives. It's just me and my fucked up family with our fucked up bows. Fuck my life. I told this to my wife last night who assumed who was amused. Sorry, I told this to my wife last night who was amused and horrified at the same time. It also turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was. Had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Oh, stop it. Thankfully, she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now. Oh my gosh. Edit. Common question: why is this not in a bathroom instead of in the laundry room? Andrews, we only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap and was weird as and was weird about things. So yes, we shared our poop knife. That is the hilarious. I love that. That was hilarious. That is a poop knife. Okay. Oh my god, I can take it like a sick, you know, but anyway, okay. So my story, I hope it's just as good, but I feel like you've just taken sorry, I feel like you need the crown today. That was just, yeah. Wear it with pride. I love that one. Okay, today I fucked up by finding out I am claustrophobic, getting disrobed in an elevator, and having a family watch me put my clothes back on. I'm travelling for a convention for work and staying in this historic hotel. It has a very classy but very tiny in brackets. It had a sign that said max was four people, old elevator. The door has it has a door that you actually need to open and then a gate that you need to pull across. Oh my god, it's like a mining gate. I've seen those like in American movies, you know, when they actually have to open up the door to an elevator and shut a gate. Yeah. So it has one of those. So blah blah blah blah, and you have to shut the gate when you're in. I was coming down in the morning when the elevator in the elevator and was curious to see if the gate latched when it was moving. So I stupidly jiggled the gate a little while while it was moving. As you can guess, the elevator came to an immediate stop. Stop. So caught on what was going on? But she was effing around with the gate while it was moving and it's caused it to stop. I didn't have my stop there. I didn't have my phone because I was just going in and down to the car to get something. There is no phone in the elevator, but there is an alarm button. Luckily, I could hear voices right outside the elevator. So I called to them and asked them to contact the desk for me. The longest 10 minutes ever. Then someone comes up and says that he'll get the door open. By this time, I'm learning that I'm claustrophobic. It's hard to describe, but there's an overwhelming feeling of wanting to run. Maybe this is the fight or flight response. But it felt like I could physically feel my brain tightening up. Then I can hear the guy fiddling with something outside. After 10 more minutes, he tells me he can't open it. And then someone needs to come and reset something, and he's on his way now. I sound amazingly calm while I'm talking with him, even though now things are getting much worse. I'm getting hot, it's hard to breathe, and I'm feeling constrained by my clothes. Like I can just imagine like that, fluff them and sorry everyone, my necklace hitting the mic. I'm trying breathing exercises that seem to help a little, but I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to get out.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

I'm not even looking, sorry, and I'm even looking around for anything that might open, but there's nothing. Now I'm imagining what would happen if there's an earthquake or the guy who's coming over had an accident.

SPEAKER_03 30:21

Can you imagine that? No, oh my god, I have a story about that because it happened when we're on holiday. And remind me to tell you that after this, because I don't want to interrupt the story, but remind me to tell you. But that's just a real thing. Not here where we live in Australia, like in our WA, like we don't have earthquakes and stuff. But over there, like it's just you do have earthquakes and she's stuck. Oh my god, do you know what? I don't even know it's a she or a he yet. Sorry, I'm just assuming it's a sheep, like stuck in an elevator. You'd be thinking your mind spiralling, what if the guy that's coming to save me has an accident? What if a meteor falls and lands on his heart? Oh my gosh. Okay, that is funny. All right, so what if he has an accident? I have no idea if it's five more minutes or five more hours. I've never wanted my phone more. I think a direct distraction would have helped me immensely. The guy outside the door is no longer answering, so I suspect he's doing something somewhere else. Many more minutes go by, and now I feel like I need to do something before I go completely mad. There's no cameras that I can see, so I took my shirt off and unbuttoned my belt pants,

Outback Detour: Heat, Help, And No Reception

SPEAKER_03 31:30

guy. Because they were starting to feel really tight. I can't explain how much I could not help starting to disrope before this happened to me. I would never imagine I'd have this reaction. Now I'm sitting here for what I found out later was almost an hour, and the elevator moves for about three seconds, and then the door opens. And here I am with no shirt, trying to get my pants unbuckled, and three people, not my family, a mum, a dad, and a little girl, were waiting for the elevator to see me. I heard the mum let out a startled yell, and then me saying something like, Oh, the elevator was stuck, and it got really hot in here, and I've got my shirt on and held the door, they held the door open for me and I slid out.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Normally I would have I wouldn't have cared for them seeing me shirtless, but I was unbuttoning my pants.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

The relief was so great to be out of the elevator that I pretty much didn't care. That's I've got two stories to follow on with that. So when I went to Hem's party in Perth and was at the crowd. Oh, yes, I remember that. And we had to go down to pick people up and stuff. Anyway, the stripper arrived. And I was one of being a bridesmaid, I had to go down, go grab him. Anything. So I'm in like this like little brath thing and a disco skirt thing, so very exposed. And yeah, like knee-high boots, and we just had like black jackets on privacy. Anyway, go down and collect the stripper. He's got his a chair, his big speaker, he's got clearly stripper vibes about him, right? And uh we're at the elevator going up, and the elevator stops, and a family literally walks in, and we're just like little 20, like, hi, nothing to see here. I was like, and it happened to me on the way down though as well. So I'm like, not a strip-up here for a hands party. But then on the way back up, I was like, with a strip-up, I'm not a stripper. Oh, wait, why didn't you tell me that story? So anyway, and also that follows on with getting stuck. So when we were in on holidays, we went for driving, and then we saw this person like middle, it was a really hot day. I think it was 47 degrees. Oh, yeah, you guys had super hot weather up there, yeah. Yeah, so we went for a big ass swan drive because it was in the air con that's what we couldn't really think about doing. Anyway, middle of the day, and we've seen this like young lady, there was no shade around, and she was sitting on the corner of this little intersection on a dirt track. And we're like, oh, there's no cars around and nothing. So we pulled over, she had no water with anything like that. So we pulled over and we're like, Are you okay? And she's oh, we're bogged like just over about a five, six minute drive that way. She's like, I'm waiting here because somebody's already gone to go get us help. And they said it's about a 20-minute drive there and a 20-minute drive back. And so I'm just waiting here, so because everything there looks the same. Yeah, and we're just like, okay, well, do you need water? Do you need it? We've got heaps here, do you need anything? She was like, No, I'm fine. Like, she still had a little bit. And I was like, Yeah. Anyway, so we reversed back, went up, and we found them. And there was another gentleman there helping this lady out, and they had the max tracks and stuff, and he had to hitch up the toe, but the lady, she was not, she was a bit too like nervous to reverse, you know, how you've got it when you're getting towed out and you're getting anything. So we hopped in her car and they got her out. There it was, so they were two young backpack of travellers in a four drive, and good on them, good getting out there, gonna try and explore and do that sort of thing. They just got themselves bolt and they did all the right things, they let the towers down, they did all of that. Anyway, got them out, and then so she was reunited with her friend. Anyway, they were very grateful and they said, Well, we're just gonna stay here in the car for a little bit and wait for the other person that was meant to be coming to help come back. Anyway, so we drive, I'm gonna say maybe not even 10 minutes up the track, and old mate was helping another gentleman get out of the bog. Turns out that was the guy that was meant to be helping. Do you know what I'm saying? And they were stuck, so they were bogged, they hadn't even made it to where they were meant to be going. Yeah, so they were stuck. So if we didn't get this person out, they would have been trying to get this person out. This person's already bogged, so

Story Three: The Sex Worker House Shock

SPEAKER_03 36:00

we've driven past, they get him out of the bog. So that poor lady was sitting there in the hot sun waiting for this guy to get there to come back, and there was no way of anyone knowing what was happening. That just no service makes me, yeah. I was gonna say that just makes me like that's one of them Australian movies in the making. Do you know what I mean? Like, you don't expect it to be disastrous, but it is like and that temperature that is so hot, and she wouldn't have had much water view that like she wouldn't have lasted any more than like a day. Do you know what I mean? And then you've got the other person that's in the car waiting, the chick that's in the car, but it's yeah, uh that volume, like both of them, and it's it's a 10-15-minute walk from where it's 100% with fish. And the thing is, even at night time, it is still like 35 degrees sometimes here at night time. It is still hot, like it wouldn't take long to cark it in those temperatures. Very real, going back to your story about that guy trapped in the elevator worrying about did the person get into an accident on his way back, because so it can happen that these people waiting for help, that person got in. Yeah, they couldn't go in actually. So she had already been waiting 40 minutes. Yeah, and then she's like, he shouldn't be here too much longer. He hadn't even got to not even two minutes the road. That's so lucky, luckier than they'll ever know that you guys came along and did what you did because that's just that's really scary because Australia love it, but it's pretty brutal. Oh yeah, and that day was very, really hot. And you were really far away from the road, like it would have been a very long hot walk. There was no shade. Quick to dehydrate out here. It was in a national park, so it was just red dirt, nothing. Yeah, shrubs. Yeah, and there's nothing, you can't, yeah. Shrubs that are like far like a lot of it would have been spin effects too, which is that's sharp, that's sharpen, that's yeah, stuff. Wowsers, thank gosh, for you guys coming along and helping them because they really were stuck. Yeah, and like we we made we checked on them, do you guys have enough enough water? Yeah, and we're like, you we're going out this way if you wanted to follow us. So if you do get bogged again, we can help you. Well done, you guys. And then they're like, nah, we're scared because they had already been there for I think an hour and a half. So yeah, I'm super grateful that we'll be able to help. We were able to help them. Yeah, that's so good. Anywho, moving on into the next story, and that is today. I fucked up by going to the house of a sex worker. That's the one. That's gonna be a good I well hang on, I want to know what you think's gonna happen. Okay, just to see if you're right, Alyssa. I don't know, maybe they're maybe it's a Tinder date. Or no, it wouldn't be Tinder because you wouldn't be a sex worker on Tinder. I'm just trying to think, maybe it's like a blind date hookup or uh something that they've answered and they're going to just either either introduce each other, go on a date, but actually maybe mates have set up and it's actually a set sex worker. I feel like whoever it is has been given a bump steer. Okay. Right. Let's see. I'm 28 male, and until today, I have had a quite I've had quite a few sexual encounters, but I've never paid for it until yesterday. Now I think people that sell their body are really in need of money or whatever reason they might have. But it felt like a lot of taking advantage of somebody else's vulnerability. Maybe I think too much of it. I don't know, man. Anyways, I was usually happy about anyways. I was usually happy about pushing horny thoughts to the back of my head when I have no girlfriend or a partner of intimacy. But yesterday I made the choice to seek out a sex worker because I was tired of winking it. Oh, okay. So he's actually Okay, so he's actually sourced it out. It's not a mistake. No, he's Okay, well that's okay, no judgment here. You can go for it. No, exactly. So I got in contact with this woman. She said she doesn't go to homes and I need to go to her flat to do the deed. I left home excited for it, honestly. At this point, it's not my brain that's controlling my body, obviously. I arrived to the house, she opened the door and invited me in, except her voice had nothing to do with the one that I had talked to on the phone. Oh dear. As we walked towards the room, I saw a dude sitting on the couch with a phone in his hand, and he welcomed me and said, I'm finally here. Dang, at this point I'm weirded the fuck out. How do I not realize it's a dude talking on the phone? So I followed. Well, sir, because he said the voice is different. So is it a chick? Is it like a scammy thing to get them in? I don't know. So I followed the woman to a tiny ass room. Obviously, they're living in quite poor conditions, but soon, but they soon got worse, which I'll get into. We chat a little, get comfortable and stuff, and I asked for her bathroom. Holy shit. I can see by your face as you're reading it. It's not gonna be good. I go in, I see the dirty toilet. Oh no. Worse, there is a bathtub full of fucking shit. Literally full of human feces. Oh, run away. This isn't really finkeless. This is a story in yourself. It's a poo poo thing. Disclaimer, if you don't like poo, deciding to run away. Go stick your sticking blog. Do whatever. Just get it out of your system, mate. Just go to a bar, I'm sure you'll find someone. Anyway, I'm sitting here like jittering. Jittering because I just I'm just running away. So literally full of human feces. And it's pieces scattered around. I peed, I went out, and I wanted to run the fuck out. But I was also worried that they would cause me a problem. So I just made up a shitty excuse. I took my jacket, checked the pockets, and acted like I was surprised. I told her I forgot my wallet. Thankfully, she just said, then we can't do it. I said, that's okay, maybe next time. Never again. And I went out. I don't think I'll ever, I don't think I've ever walked that fast. I

Patreon Tease And Wrap-Up

SPEAKER_03 43:00

walked as fast as I could to my car and left the area immediately. I swear this was the first and last time I'll ever do this kind of stunt. I can't imagine what I would have caught had I stayed any longer. I hope he that stops him like feeling the way he is. Like how far he got to the point that he was going to go do that and it was going to lead him down that path. Right. Yeah. Like I have nothing against sex workers or anything. And I like go back to the first paragraph, like just saying they obviously need the money. No, not all of them need the money. Like you can just enjoy having sex and think, well, I might as well get paid for this. It's something I'm good at, something I enjoy. And there's people out there that, you know, sometimes they have needs or wants that just a regular or fetishes, fetishes, they know which are fine. That people that I suppose your normal person at the whoever you meet with. On great careers that still have that side where they do that in the evening and stuff like that because it helped just a release for them. Yeah, exactly. So no, I disagree with his first comments. But mate, he needs to either his experience of a sex worker. I can understand why he'd say because they're in need of money or something.

SPEAKER_02 44:20

Maybe yeah. That wasn't a good experience. Not that I I've not had any. But I and I don't choose to look for any, and that's fine, that's just a me thing.

SPEAKER_03 44:31

But that was that's just gross. Like Pooh, feces in the bathroom. Yeah, disgusting. And is that an apple core up there near your photo shrew? I don't know. Shall we investigate? I'm just looking and now I'm looking around. I think there's an apple core up there. Well, do you know what? It wouldn't surprise me. It could be an apple core. Looks a little apple corey ish. It does. Let's investigate. No, not an apple collar. Not an apple core. It is can I get a drum roll, please? Miss Miss Four likes to hide hide then. Hang on. She does. She likes to hide rubbish. Oh, it's Bell. It's a little people Belle doll. Oh my god, from that distance looked like an apple core. It really did. Oh, sorry, Miss Four. You haven't done anything. You just put Bell there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

Oh, Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. No, I won't plug my show just yet.

SPEAKER_03 45:37

Anywho. Maybe not. That's not that is for kids. This is not a kids podcast. Probably shouldn't do that. No. But yes, do you know what, honey? You need to look elsewhere for your kicks because that clearly wasn't your place. And do not don't take yourself there. Yeah. I think that wraps us up for today, doesn't it? Yeah. It sure does. Well done. Alright.

unknown 46:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 46:05

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