Mums Gone Wild
Mums Gone Wild: Two Generations, Zero Filters
Join a mother-daughter duo as they dive into Reddit’s wildest posts, tackle your juiciest write-ins, and dish out advice with zero filters. Expect laughs, chaos, and real talk because we are not therapists but we are never shy about giving our two cents. From hilarious stories to heartfelt moments, Mums Gone Wild is where generations collide, comedy thrives, and the conversation is always unfiltered.
Mums Gone Wild
Between Chaos & Cringe: TIFU
⚠️ Content Warning: This episode is definitely not safe for work and absolutely not for kids’ ears. We get explicit, unfiltered, and occasionally unhinged. If you’re not up for that today, maybe skip this one and join us next week for something a little tamer. You’ve been warned, and honestly, we warned you twice. ⚠️
Two mums pull wild TIFUs from Reddit and mix them with real-life chaos: rat mercy kills, mouse mayhem, dentist humiliation, French date failures, shark scares, and the most cursed coconut tale on the internet. We laugh, gag, and recover together with tea, honesty, and zero filters.
• fair use and privacy disclaimer for Reddit stories
• Telethon highlights, Perth Children’s Hospital fundraising, celebrity cameos
• Australian spider invasions and home life hacks
• rat mercy kill witnessed by a toddler and public fallout
• mouse traps, unintended suffering, and gut-level ethics
• dentist crush, scale-and-clean panic, and a viral glove-licking fiasco
• Hinge French flex gone wrong, Duolingo delusion, honest reset
• trying to impress partners, hunting faint, pool-boy summers
• hammerhead shark encounter and ocean fear management
• NSFW coconut legend and consequences of teen improvisation
• style reset, box dye disaster, and pro hair rescue
• how to send confessions and where to find us
Don’t forget to follow or subscribe wherever you’re listening so you never miss the next round of wild stories and unfiltered mum talk
If you’ve got a confession story or something just juicy, we need to hear it. Send it in. You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at Mums Gone Wild Pod. Come hang out, laugh with us, or roast us gently in the comments. Gently!
Welcome to Mum's Gone Wild, the show where Reddit meets Real Talk and Chaos meets comedy. I'm Chloe and I'm Paula. Every week we'll dive into Reddit's wildest posts and juiciest writings.
SPEAKER_00:Warning, the advice you're about to hear is completely unsolicited, mildly unhinged, and definitely not professional.
SPEAKER_03:But hey, we're not therapists, but that's never stopped us from giving our opinions anyway. So let's get unhinged. Before we dive in, just a quick heads up. The stories we chat about on Mum's Gone Wild are from public posts on Reddit and they belong to their original authors. We're just here to share, laugh, and give our take for entertainment and discussion, all under fair use. We also do our best to remove names or details to keep things private. If you're the original poster and you would like your story removed or credited differently, just get in touch with us. We'll happily sort it. Morning, mother! Morning, Chloe, on this beautiful Sunday morning.
SPEAKER_00:We have we've been having some technical difficulties this morning. A, me trying to leave the house and B just trying to set up these microphones.
SPEAKER_03:They just never seem to work for us. Well, and my morning has gone along swimmingly. So actually, I had to laugh when I saw you come in this morning, Chloe. I was like, tell me you have kids without telling me you have kids, with your hand scribbled all on, your phone covered in stickers, and your headphones. Not headphones, microphones, yeah. Box all covered in band-aids.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's life with children.
SPEAKER_03:It is. Today, mum, we are doing the theme of today. I fucked up. I have loved this one. Yeah. I am excited. I do have a couple of goodies for you. Yeah, same. I've got some ones I think are gonna make your toes curl and your face screw up like you've just sucked a lemon. Oh, I my one that I've done, one of my ones that I've done, I kind of looked at and thought, I actually I don't have a similar story, but I do have a little side story that I can share with you. Oh, that's fun. I do like a side story. Oh, and the other one, I actually had to take some French classes to tell. So we're really working hard. We're learning a new language today, aren't they? That is it. We're working hard for these guys. Multicultured. Alrighty. Do you have anything else to what's been anything exciting to share? I've got lots of exciting things to share. Last weekend I went to Telethon with some friends, a very dear friend of mine and her very special daughter. We had a great time. If you don't know what Telethon is here in Australia, particularly Western Australia, where we are, it's a really big 24-hour fundraiser, and all funds go to our children's hospital, Perth Children's Hospital. And this year we raise$90 million. That's insane. So there's a lot of stars that are invited to come and help people want to donate. Like there's a lot of what do you call it? Entertainment, lots of entertainment, and then stars are invited, and you can go and watch, or you just it's broadcast on TV 24 hours. And yeah, so all up throughout the years that Telethon have been running, they've fundraised and raised$750 million for Perth Children's Hospital. Wow. So that's excellent. And I love a good name drop. So I had photos with the very gorgeous Ben Cousins. Oh, I love. I had photos with Manu, the chef. Yeah, saw lots of stars. It was very, very exciting. So I've had a great time. Well, your week has been much more exciting than mine.
SPEAKER_00:Uh do tell. I have been cleaning the house, killing spiders.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you do get spiders, don't you? Yeah, I have not known a house that gets as many spiders as we do. We get it sprayed, I think we have to get it sprayed twice a year.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It's and this year I'm seeing like those Christmas spiders. Like, you know, the ones with like the red legs. Are they like an orb? Yeah. Yeah, so they've got the golden orb. Yeah, so there was a golden orb the other day I nearly ran into when I was hanging out my washing and nearly had a freaking heart attack. Yeah. And yeah, and black the black house spiders. And they're huge. Like their leg span is bigger than a 50 cent piece. And I'm not okay with that. And I've seen a few in the house. They're making their way into the house somehow. And it's just it's freaking me out anyway.
SPEAKER_03:So just think that was the wind blowing the door shut. If anyone just did hear a big bang then, that's all it is. Scared me. I'm talking about spiders. I was like, there's an invasion of spiders and they're coming to get me. Welcome to Australia people. We do have some pretty gnarly spiders, and they do live in our house, but yeah, anyway. The birdies are trying to eat them. So I'm thinking I might install a bird bath. That's a good idea. Encourage some natural spidey eaters. Yeah. You know. But I also am looking at purchasing a caravan. Okay. That's exciting.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:That is. I just want to go on camping adventures and holidays. Camping is good fun. Those sorts of things. Not a lot not a like secondhand caravan. Like I don't, you know. You know what? You can buy pre-loved caravans and they still look brand new. Yeah. Because it's not like they're getting used all the time. So no, I'm so excited for you.
SPEAKER_00:I just I'm crossing my fingers and my toes and my arms and my legs that we can make it happen. But I just I'm manifesting it by nagging about it every 30 seconds.
SPEAKER_03:If we had a caravan, we could go and do this. Oh, it's a really nice day. Let's take a caravan if we had one. Yes. And then I'm like, oh, Christmas is coming up. What a great Christmas present! A caravan. Caravan. And oh not a caravan, a camper van. And I was thinking we can buy things for the caravan to give each other for Christmas. You know, knives and forks and a sheep set. That's exciting. Anyway, I'm not sure. I do love our caravan. Camping is so much more fun with a caravan. Yeah. So anyway, I'm just I still I think I just need a little bit more. I'm not gonna say nagging, but just persuasion. Yeah. Persistent persuasion. I'm sorry if you can hear that swallowing. I am enjoying it. That was a very loud swallow. I tried really hard. I tried really hard to not make a big swallowing noise. See, it is Sunday, Sunday morning, and I'm having a cup of tea, and I'm really apologize for that. I'm gonna put my cup down because that was a bit I would hate to listen to that. Alright, I think we've had enough chat. All right, let's flip flip a coin. Alright, you flip it, you're good at that. Okay, heads or tails? Tails today. Tails today, okay. Sorry, it landed a bit hard in my hand. Ah, it is heads. Oh, you are fine. Lucky me. Okay, let me put my glasses on, put my cup down, and let's fire away. Okay, so this one that I have for you this morning, Chloe, which is the one that I have a little side story to, is today I fucked up by ending a rat's life in front of my toddler. Oh my god. When was this posted? 11 days ago. Oh so fresh. Killing a rat.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I know. I know it's a rank. Do you know what? It's their tails. It's their long, wiggly, snake-like tail. Do you know what? The other day, this isn't my side story. This is just another sub to the side story. Dad, we've got a really nice big outdoor living area. It's got a TV outdoor setting, blah, blah, blah. But so Brady Pooh was sitting out there watching TV. He comes in and tells me that he's been watching rats, plural, rats, running along the side of the fence and back. And I'm like, don't tell me that you're watching them. They're not that's it. So a little bit of rat sack at the end of that little run that they were running. And then, yeah, so then when I moved the table the other week, there was a very, very well decomposed rat. I'm surprised we didn't smell it, to be fair. Like, I don't know, maybe out of the sun it decomposed quickly. But anyway, all right, let's get started. So this is the OP talking now, not me. So to start off, I love animals and I have the I've had rats as pets and I'm really fond of them too. Stripe one, yuck. This year I've had a massive rat problem at my house. A majority of them have stayed in the garden, but three times this year, rats have gotten into my living areas. And um sorry, my phone, I forgot to turn my phone down and I'm getting a message, so I'm just gonna start that again. Clearly, we are just podcast starters. Super popular on a Sunday morning. Okay, I'm gonna go back to the following the above paragraph. This year I've had a massive rat problem at my house. A majority of them have stayed in the garden, but three times this year, rats have gotten into my living area and caused some damage before I evicted them. Can you imagine sitting there watching TV and hear yuck, nah, nah, no, no, no. Okay, I don't like to use poison because one, the neighbors have done that and the rats just collect it up. Oh, stop it! The neighbors put poison down and the rats collected it up and put it in my kids' sandpit. Oh my god. Two, it's a fucking awful way to die. The solution to the problem came for free when one of my neighbours' cats discovered the rat population. Soon I was finding dead rats on the ground every time I went to work in the morning or came back in the evening. I was fine with this until the past weekend when I was gardening, and I heard a pitiful squealing noise near my car. I went to investigate, and the neighbour's cat had run past me, leaving behind a mangled, very much alive rat with life-ending injuries. Okay, I don't like rats, but I don't like that either. No, I don't want it to suffer. No, but yeah, okay. I could have left it to die, but I felt sorry for it, and I had no idea how long it would have suffered until it actually passed. It really sucks having a heart sometimes. I'm feeling very flippant this morning. Want to kill him, now I want to rescue them. So I did the best thing I could think of. I had a spade in my hand already, so I decided to decapitate the poor bugger with just one fast blow. I turned around and there was my two and a half year old. She didn't cry. She she did not seem traumatized. She just asked me, is that a rat? And is it dead? Did you hit it with a spade? I explained what I did, and she seemed to understand. The fuck up is that she keeps telling everyone, and everyone that she sees now says that dad killed a rat with a spade. The pharmacist knows, the parents and teachers at kindergarten knows, the guy who brings us eggs once a week knows, and I have to keep explaining myself every time.
SPEAKER_00:Well, do you know what? When you're reading this story, I was fully picturing a mum.
SPEAKER_03:Me too! And I've read this story and I know that it was a dad, but I still, as I was reading it again, thought that it was like so. I'm putting myself into the story. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was a mum and children. That just shocked me.
SPEAKER_00:But kids are kids, aren't they? They just will they see something and they just ride with that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:She seemed to be okay with it. I I feel like she probably already knew that there was rat problems and stuff like that. Oh, there was a two-logged didn't read comment there, but we've read it now. So lucky OP, your story got read. So that was great. My similar story that I have was I didn't kill a rat in front of you guys, but I had to come up with a moral decision when I killed a mouse. So we have had mice problems before. When we when we were building houses and buying houses, we were living in a shed. And um I can remember standing in the side. There actually was a big rat mouse plague. There was. I remember that one year. Yeah, like all the farms had mm squillions of mice all in their feed bins. Yeah, okay. So we had my and we had to have mouse traps because there were so many mice coming in and out of the house. And you had to kill them. I mean, they're cute as buttons, you just had to kill them. Anyway, so I devised a plan with two traps because they were kind of coming down a wall, like the corner of a wall. So I set it up that if it ran either way, it was gonna get done. Right? Yeah. So anyway, I woke up to this click, click, click, click, click, click noise. I'm like, what the fuck is that noise? So I go out and there is a mouse with a trap attached to its leg. Like it's flapping around with this trap. Oh my god, it's cute little ears and it's cute little foes. And I was like, it's not gonna survive. I can't, you know, it's like you can't make a crutch for it. It's like the three blind mouse from Shrek. So what am I gonna do with this map? And then, like, if I touch the trap, it'd start squealing, and it was just like, I'm getting sweaty pants, um, sweaty hands now thinking about it. So I took it over to the vacant block. I thought I'm gonna I have to try and kill it somehow. So I I picked up a big rock, like a really, really big, and I can imagine and it's still alive, and I couldn't like I've just I've made this poor little mouse's life just so traumatic and horrible. And then anyway, then I just got the the rock I had to watch, and then I just pushed it down a little, and then it ran away. Oh, I know that I eventually like it would have killed, but like it suffered, it suffered a lot. It was awful. I do feel and I think mice are so cute, but just not in your house. Oh no, we had a mouse or a plague of them.
SPEAKER_00:We've got a couple of little mice outside that come and pinch my dog's biscuit like leftover biscuits.
SPEAKER_03:And cheapy little buggers. There was one day, one night we actually set up the bean bags and stuff.
SPEAKER_00:We like set little like thing, and we watched him go from little out of like the edge of the garden, he'd come out of his little hole. He'd come out and we put a little plate of light biscuits as well.
SPEAKER_03:John, you encouraged it! Then he ran back to his little hole. It was so cute. It's a is that where you are now? Yeah. No. Yuck, you don't encourage um. No, it was just like, wow, we uh we know he's probably got a family of 20. Yeah, but he looked like Stuart Little. He was sort of he was so little and cute. He had really big ears, like really big ones. Like I'd never seen a mouse with big ears. And there was there was the two did end up coming, and it was just like a little I thought they were, you know, I made up a little story. Like their little romantic date going together. 40 of them. Right, okay. Two times, yeah. What else? I've just suddenly just popped up with uh oh, there was one time dad was in the shed and he called me out, and he's like, Paula! So I go out to the shed and he'd move something, and there was no not a snake. There was like about seven like little tiny baby mice, like real, they obviously their mum had met a terrible fate. Different house was not the rock mouse, different, different times. So this is and anyway, but they had I'm like, oh my god, what do we do with them all? So anyway, I did go over and above. I brought them all in and made like a little bed for them all. Yeah, this is when we were in the blue water. Oh, well, you'd moved out of home by then. Anyway, so then I I didn't know what to do with them. I thought, I can't breed mice, these wild field mice that you don't want in your house. So I took them to the you know, splash there where they have the animals. They used to have animals out there there. And I said to them, I don't know what you're gonna do with them. And I said, But I don't want to know, and I don't I can't physically kill them. So they said, Oh, we'll feed them to the snakes. Yeah!
SPEAKER_04:Oh no!
SPEAKER_03:But in the end, I think because I So in the end you killed them. You sent them to Yeah, I'm gonna save your life. I'm gonna take you to a place that's going to kill you.
SPEAKER_01:Jesus Christ! Maybe it's not.
SPEAKER_03:So then I was looking around and stuff like that, and then like processing that they're gonna feed them to the snake. And then as I left, type of thing, I saw that said goodbye. And then she asked me, had we had had baits around the house. I said, Yep. And she says, Oh, we won't be able to feed them then because but no, I think they would have just killed them some other way because they just didn't want their snakes to get poisoned. So I think they probably I don't know what they did with them, but I just you know what, hands over my ears, I'm out. Cat ya. So that was the mouse slash rat story that I had for you this morning. Uh my eyes are like bulging out of my head. I've just been on a roller coaster of emotions. Our hands are sweating.
unknown:I know.
SPEAKER_03:I know. Sorry everyone, I've got one more mouthful of tea. I'll try not to make any noise while I do it. All right, Chloe's you're up. Oh god.
SPEAKER_00:I'm I'm recovering. I'm recovering.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, you'll be happy to know I've finished my tea, no more swallowing.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, thank the heavens for that. Alright. So this one, I've got a really good one. I'm gonna save it for last just because I think it's a really good one to end on.
SPEAKER_03:Do you know what? I actually my other one I'm not loving, so I do have a couple of speries up my slave, but do you know when you sort of like think for a little while you think, oh, it was really good, and but like now I'm sort of like thinking, I don't know whether I like it anymore. Anyway, you do your art. I'm excited. Today I fucked up by accidentally getting sexual with my dentist again.
SPEAKER_01:How is it an accident when you've done it again?
SPEAKER_03:This was uh six years ago, so it was from a while ago.
SPEAKER_00:It's got 94,800 upvotes, 3,321 comments. Oh my lord.
SPEAKER_03:That that reminds me just quickly, Chloe, before we jump into it, was do you remember like post-COVID when everyone was still wearing masks and stuff? And I went to the dentist, had my teeth done, and the dentist was like really good looking, but I couldn't- I'm really nervous to wear this story. No, I you know this story. Do I? Yeah, please know I am married, have been married for like 355,000 years. Happily, just add happily married, but very, very good looking dentist. And I thought, oh, what else could can I get done now? You know, so I thought I'll go for a scale and clean. And I went in for a scale and I thought I booked in for a scale and screen. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, I do know the story now. Just so I can have another little sneaky peek at the hot dentist. Anyway, so it comes a day for my scale and clean. I go there and like, oh yep, nice little sneaky peek at the dentist. And I lay down there and he started on one tooth. I didn't realise scale and cleans actually fucking hurt, and I was not prepared. I'm just going for a little sneaky peek at the dentist. Just brush my teeth, sir. Yeah, and he started, oh, oh, and he goes, Are you okay? And I went, Oh, I I don't think I am. And I sat up and he goes, What's wrong? Because I'm I'm paying just to have a perv. I'm not paying for pain. So then I said, Oh, I I don't think I'm prepared for this. And he goes, Did you want to make another appointment? And I said, Oh, oh, yeah, okay, then. And then I left and I literally said to the receptionist, I said, Oh, oh my god, those things hurt. I'm not not I'm not staying for this. But there was a boy that was going in after me. And I'm here I am, this grown-ass adult walking out of a dentist appointment because A, I didn't really need a scale and claim, I was just having a sneaky peek at the hot dentist. And uh with private health insurance, it's only going to cost me 65 bucks. So yeah, and then I walk out and then traumatise this poor boy because I didn't get my he probably had to go and get fillings and shit. All I had to do was get a scaling clay, and I walked out. Mother. I know. I'll let you all know though, I have survived a scale and claim, and they're not that bad. So that was only about I think maybe two months ago. But anyway, let's talk about your dentist story. Alright, for those that you know it's too long to read, what's the DR mean again? Too long didn't read. Oh, too long didn't read. There we go.
SPEAKER_00:So it says today I fucked up by licking my dentist.
SPEAKER_01:Oh no. This is twice, didn't they say it in the opening title? Again.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my god. Okay. I can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I'm an idiot.
SPEAKER_02:Two for two, going well, love.
SPEAKER_00:My dentist is very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some insinuous remark about us being strangers.
SPEAKER_03:My immediate reply was, You're not a stranger, you've been inside my mouth for 20 minutes. Oh my god, that's something you think you don't say.
SPEAKER_00:I did not intend to make a sexual joke.
SPEAKER_03:Like, you know, his face turned red and he was clearly embarrassed, but he continued on like a true professional. And we're probably both relieved when the appointment was over. I had my second dentist appointment today. I actually mentally prepared myself to be a model patient who didn't say anything weird. Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_00:He had been working in my mouth for five minutes when he started to seem really uncomfortable or something. His face went red and he was breathing a little heavier.
SPEAKER_03:And I've got nerves because I don't know what's happening. I was a bit concerned and also confused. Like, how could he um I've embarrassed him this time?
SPEAKER_00:I'd hardly spoken. So he keeps working in there, and then I realize what the hell is happening.
SPEAKER_03:My dentist was wearing grape flavoured gloves, and I absent-mindedly have been licking his fingers the whole time.
SPEAKER_01:Why would you have grape flavoured? Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03:I'm keeping dentists in your mouth if you're I don't have to put my tongue. I'll just lick your finger. Oh my god, he must have got really icked. What did she say? He would got really red and started breathing. Oh, she's really embarrassed him. Yeah, so she's like, I'm never going back. The top. Sorry, I was gonna say, I've never known great death. Yeah. I mean, delightful. Better than that, like powdery, like hospital taste. Yeah, but like usually, like I'm trying to think, you usually got like feels like 27 pieces of equipment in your mouth, and it's like they've got a sucker, and they've got uh the mirror, and they might have a drill. So there's a stand up to about three things in your mouth, but I don't think I feel like I've had fingers in my mouth. I think I actually do know what sometimes they do have to pull your cheek open a little bit, don't they? Yeah. And shove wool balls, things up your side of your mouth to suck up to the mouth. Can you imagine just licking on his sucking? Well, not sucking his finger. We just went to another level there. James's mum. Sorry. But licking. It's 9.27 in the morning. I reckon you are asking for trouble. If you're gonna wear flavoured stuff and put it into someone's mouth, they're gonna react and start 100%.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, she said it was absent-mindedly, she didn't realise what she was doing.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, top comment never going back. No, keep going. Keep going. Yeah, that one had 23,000 upvotes. And then she's like, Do you know what? Grape's not really my flavour.
SPEAKER_01:We don't need strawberry.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, cotton candy. Oh, cotton candy. Oh, I wish they like, I feel like a lot of things it's like very floss, but you know, anyway, whatever. Someone said, Next time I'll bite him.
SPEAKER_00:And then then someone said, make sure to maintain eye contact and then blame the nitrous oxide. Someone said, You sound fun.
SPEAKER_03:Do you know what? Just jumping back to your nitrous oxide. Like, I hear that people go to dentists and that's all like like that's laughing gas, isn't it? I think so. I've never had that at a dentist. You get a needle that which put mums your mouth, but there's nothing that makes me laugh. No, I want to laugh at dentist. I have to get someone to hold my feet when I go to the dentist because I get ter I'm petrified of dentists. I definitely not had very good experiences of this. So you're trauma from me. Yeah, no, no, yeah, but I like I took one of your dentists aside in another room and gave him what for. Well, I should explain that. I busted him. I told him off, verbally told him off.
SPEAKER_00:I did not give him what for? Jesus Christ. Someone ran us in.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, no, yeah. Anyway, so I'm a little traumatized to go to the dentist, but I do get my scale and cleans every yeah. Yes, I too. Well, not every I've only ever had one. It's a feeling afterwards, it's really like you feel all the gaps in your teeth, and it's like you know when it's I remember I had to shh somebody after being to a scale and clean, and I whistled through my front teeth because there was like a whistle because there's you know the little gap between my teeth. Lovely. All right, all right, moving along. Okay, Chloe. This is the second one. I am going to really probably torture the French language with this one. It's only two parts. I'm very, very sorry for those of you that speak fluent French. I did try to put the phrase into Chat GTP to help me enunciate it, yeah, and it still sounds terrible. So just a little word of warning. We just tried to put it into Google Translate. Yeah. And look, it's not coming back exactly, but you get the idea, okay? If you listen to the story, you will work out what's going on. So it's okay. All right, today I fucked up and I'm the most embarrassed I've ever been. This happened last night, 22 male. Okay. I, 22 male, matched with the girl on Hinge, 21. She seemed way out of my league, like one of those people who just radiates competence, you know. Her profile had this little line that said, Ask me about my year in Paris. So I did, and she told me how she studied abroad there and spoke fluent French and casually asked if I spoke too. And instead of saying no, like a normal human being, I said moi oui, because it sounded charming in my head with the help of good old Google too. So I think that's yes. We is yes. Yes. Okay. I did do three years of French, so like we in French is spelled O U I. I did not know that. All right. See, I knew that one. I didn't have to Google that one.
SPEAKER_00:I thought it was just W E E E.
unknown:We.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, she laughed, and that should have been the end of it. But my dumbass ego decided to double down and convince myself that I could fake it enough to sound cultured or at least mildly impressive. Oh, to be young. So I she must have been hot. Young horny boy. So I spent the next two days cramming French like I was studying for a final exam of class. I forgot I was even watching YouTube. Sorry, I forgot I was even watching YouTube and listened to pronunciation guides and practiced little phrases in the mirror and even downloaded Duolingo like it was gonna magically make me fluent. Boy was desperate. Like it was gonna make me magically fluent overnight. Date night comes and she picks this wine bar, which is super cozy and low-key candles, soft jazz music, velvet chairs, the kind of place where you feel underdressed no matter what you wear. Sounds nice. She looked amazing. We started talking and she's telling me all about Paris and how she misses hearing French all the time. And I think, okay, this is my moment where I'm gonna show off my skills. So I looked her dead in the eye and says, hang on a minute, I've gotta get my j'suis très baguette. If I use Google to I use Google to translate, to translate it. She laughs hard, and I'm thinking I've nailed it, and I'm absolutely crushing this state. So then I try to keep the vibe going with what I thought I meant to say was I like red wine, which was here we go. This one is my tricky one. I'm so sorry about what I'm gonna say right now. But anyway, hopefully this guy's gonna do a lot better than how I'm gonna say it. All right, here we go. Look, you did better. You if you're if you're French, can you let us know what that said? That, I mean, what mum said. Sorry, I called you that. Okay, so hopefully I don't have to say that again. Except the except apparently what I said was I like red wine from the library. He's crushing it, yeah. Not I repeat it and try and act like I meant it, and she blinks a few times and said, Why the library? And that's when I realize I'm in deep, I've overcommitted, I've got nothing left in the table. So I start stringing together any French words I can remember from Duolingo, which basically amounts to fromage, trebrenne, and a couple of other ones that I'm not even going to try. I know fromage is cheese. Oh, I remember that from French classes. That's cheese. And yeah, I don't even know where he's going. He is just French random words, hoping that it strings a sentence. That makes sense. Like he could. I know this one Je m'appelle Paula. That means my name is Paula. Oh, yeah. So I think so. Feel free to reach out and tell me I'm full of shit. Okay. Now she's just staring at me like I've glitched and suddenly switches into full speed, like full-on actual French, like she's tested me, and I instantly regret everything. I have no clue what she's saying. Like I catch two words and just do a pathetic smile and start nodding nodding and going, we, we, like a complete moron. I probably said at least five whees in a row. And then she stops mid-sentence and goes into English. You don't speak French, do you? I pause and try to think of a lie or an excuse that literally anything that comes out is not sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, where am I at with this? I try to pause and think of a lie or an excuse, or literally anything, but all that comes out is not even a bit. It's just laughing, like I'm just full on laughing, and I'm sitting here feeling like an absolute idiot. I'm redder than a tomato, and I'm getting redder by the second. She ends up paying for the wine, which made it even worse. Somehow I felt like a little kid who just got babysat up babysat by someone that's way cooler than me. I probably shouldn't worry about the part the part that adds too much salt to the wound. Sorry. I probably shouldn't worry about that part too much because it just adds salt to the wounds. She says, Text me when you learn a sentence that doesn't involve libraries. I text her letting her know that I'm on Duolingo. Most embarrassing date ever, and it's my fault. So yeah, today I fucked up by trying to impress someone with a language I absolutely do not speak, and I got roasted into oblivion in the Velvet Wine Bar. That's it. Bless what was the top comment on that? Oh, someone has just said being babysat by someone way cooler. It's killing me. It's such a perfect description. Oh, it is. And then he's he's written back saying it did actually, because she does babysit from time to time. And then it's like, damn it, you could have pulled it off. You just stopped at the second sentence. Hey, do you know he probably just should have said, like, you know what? I really just wanted to meet you. I've been really trying to learn some French. Can I try some phrases out with you? I reckon that would have really impressed her way more than just pretending that he knew how to speak it. But oh, I hope she gives him a chance. Yeah. I well, I mean, when she I feel like she was kind of having a little bit of fun though, by saying text me when you like she's she's opened an olive branch. Like she said, text me when you can say a sentence without library in it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's pretty cute.
SPEAKER_03:So he could really go with that.
SPEAKER_00:I think she probably would have found it funny and a bit sweet knowing that.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, do you know what? What the this someone had written in to OP saying, you're the most you've been you've um you're the most immersed you've been so far. And then OP says, You're telling me, but there's more to come. Okay, absolutely. The cool thing about is that you live the longer you live, the more you realize it doesn't matter. And OP just says, I'll keep posting them. Be on the lookout. Oh, I know. Go into his profile. Oh, okay. Oh, I love it when we're doing this one. Okay. Are you in the profile? Yeah. Well, nah, so go up to here, so you go into him. Okay. And let's see. Oh, he likes fish. Lots of fish. There's more fish. He really likes fish. Changing filters. Pregnant fish. Oh my god. Oh, he's a fish enthusiast. Nothing about French on here. No, there's a lot of the seasonal god. Okay. I do not know, so when I clicked on here. Nah, I think it's nah, because that's like that's somebody else's. It's like a cheese omelette, I think. Royal cheese.
SPEAKER_00:Oh look, people are trying to help him out.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I don't think I think he needs a chance. I and I think she's gonna give it to him. I hope so. I think she will. I hope she does too. He does say be on the lookout for more updates. So maybe we'll have to keep a track on him. How long ago was that posted though? Whoa, that was it was really a little while ago, so we we may not get any more.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_03:Mama. Oh, because right at the beginning it said this happened last night, but then when you go into it, it was a few days ago, quite a few days ago. Sorry, that's that one. Have you ever done anything weird to impress anyone? Yeah. Anything you want to share? Do you have anything in your mind right now? Or uh Oh, I don't know. I do know a fair bit about you, but Oh, I tried to go pigging once. Oh, that's right. That's right. That was a good one. Because you you are the big pig shooter, big hunter.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I got I had all the gear, no idea.
SPEAKER_03:I got all dressed up, got the boots on. Looked apart, looked at the dress beanie on the costume on. Yeah. And let's just say when it comes to pig hunting, the chase was fun.
SPEAKER_00:And when it comes to the pigs being unalived. Unalived.
SPEAKER_03:Uh dead. I passed out in the paddock. Yes, I do remember that photo. It was a good one. Yeah, I was white as a ghost. Yeah. So I don't have too much stories because like I was only 16 when your dad stole my youth, like we've mentioned before. I feel like there was one though that And I lied, I was at the pub. Remember? I went to the bottom.
SPEAKER_00:We dated a guy because he had a pool.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, that was at school. I did too. Oh my god, my pool friend. Yeah. Oh my god, I didn't have a pool a pool friend when it was hot.
SPEAKER_03:That was so funny because we were at school, and if I saw him at school, I walked the other way. But then I remember ringing him up on school holidays and asking if he wanted to go out again. He said, Yeah, can I come around for a swim? Do you think he realized that? I don't know. Oh my god, I'm so glad you remembered that one. That's so funny. I don't think I've done anything like I think, yeah. No, your dad was probably the worst one where I lied to him because I was already at the pub very, very underaged. He was already 22. I I probably as well like another one is probably like thinking I knew how to dive. And being brave enough to go diving.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Turns out I'm you know, I don't do often, but uh and the first time I did, I was just like, oh yeah, I can do this. Shit my pants. Not literally, not literally, but like I think I just held on for dear life. Yeah. And to my partners, I'm just like holding it on. I'm like, oh my god.
SPEAKER_02:You need 12 eyes, don't you, when you're diving and you look around everywhere.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, like I'm a lot calmer now. Like the more I do it, the calmer I am. But it's just getting in the water for the first time, and then I'm a little bit panicky, and then I'm fine after I get that first one done, dusted. But there was a time in it. It's not that I was trying to impress him. Maybe I was. We're just like floating around in the ocean, like we've just been fishing and you know, having fun, and I've got a fish on, and I'm trying to, you know, to jump in. It was all great, having a great day, and we get into the bay, and we're just having a nice little swim, it was hot day swimming, and yeah, Jamie goes, Chloe, get out of the water. And I was like, What? And I was like thinking it was a stingray, because I just I don't like stingrays, okay? I think I'm traumatized from Steve. Steve, Steve Irwin, yeah. Bless him. God rest his soul. Yeah. And I just have never liked stingrays since then.
SPEAKER_00:Terrified of them. And even like the little ones, nah, nah, yuck, can't do it. Anyway, so he's like, get out of the water. And I think I just climb up him, I'll scale up. I'll scale in.
SPEAKER_03:I'm basically got my legs wrapped around his neck out of the water because I'm thinking there's a stingray about to come touch my foot. And he's like, no, Chloe, get out of the water, get into the boat. And so um, he pushes me out the boat, and I'm like a seal getting up on the boat, like trying to flop myself over, looking elegant as possible. Yeah, because he decides to throw in the word shark.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And I'm like, I'll throw myself up on the wall on the boat. And we get up, and there's like a big like oceanic hammerhead shark that was coming for us.
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_03:He was probably like And he was still in the water saying, get out of the water, Cloy. Get out of the water. Saving my life. He was putting my life before his. He he was like keen as a bean to like he wanted GoPro footage of it. He was like, Oh, it's not in like attack mode, it's cruising. Like he was just gonna like he wanted to jump back in the water with it. No, not me, I'm sealing on the boat, like lost all bodily functions. Well, an oceanic hammer hammer. An oceanic hammerhead shark can go help you out there. Thank you. They're huge. It's not just like a normal hammerhead shark, they're massive. Massive. You're bringing one up for me to have a look at. Yeah, so quick search, and an oceanic hammerhead shark can maximum length is about six metres. Holy shit. So most individuals are four and a half metres.
SPEAKER_00:They can weigh up to five hundred kilograms, or for any American listeners listeners, 1,100 pounds.
SPEAKER_03:That is a big beat. So yes, he was the size of the dinghy, and I've never been to. Oh my god, I'm looking at them. So here I am. Yeah, so here I am trying to impress Jamie, just being like, oh yes, I've just been fishing all day. Yeah, let's just float around the ocean and swimming and having the time of our life. You know, I'm free, I'm care, you know, I'm carefree. I'm looking like a mermale, a mermaid. And then next thing you know, tragically, I become a seal trying to flop myself up onto a boat. Yeah. That was unattractive. Oh, I'm looking at one here with its mouth open. Yuck. I mean, they're pretty amazing beast, really. Do you know what I mean? Like to look at it as a shark enthusiast that I am not, but if you were, they are pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Just not in our ocean. Someone else's ocean.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, just not where I'm swimming, really. Yeah. That would be great. Yeah, anyway, so that was fun.
SPEAKER_03:We went um to the islands once, and the water was so perfectly perfect. It was in between islands, so there was no waves, it was just crystal clear. Couldn't even see it, any seaweed, nothing. It was just pure white sand, pure, beautiful, beautiful turquoise ocean. So hot, all just about to jump in, and there were three mass tiger tiger sharks just cruising. That was it. We still had to get to the island, so we supped over, which is stand up just like paddleboard. So we went over. Yeah, so it was like don't fall in. So that's a bit of a hair-raising trip. Anyway, we have gone down a rabbit hole. We have. Let's get back on track. My story, lucky last. Lucky last mother, and this one is this one's gonna gross you out. I can feel it in my bones. Okay, cool. What is the time? That's good. We're gonna make in good time. We are okay. I'm settled in. Alright. It was posted eight years ago. Oh, okay. It comes from best of today. I fucked up. Okay. So it is a it is a a classic. A classic, as some may say. It's had 115,000 up votes. It's been shared 5,800 times. Okay, I'm buckled in. Someone says what the fuck, OP is one of the comments. Oh, okay. Alright. The title is Are You Ready? Nope. It is not safe for work, friends. So if you are listening to this at work, I highly suggest you pause this and save it to on your way home from work or what if they're listening to in a car? No, because you don't want kiddos. No, this is this is 18 plus story. Okay. Ooh, we have got a rating. Yes, this is an 18 plus explicit content. This is your warning now. I'm going to give you a moment to pause, to turn off, to pick up and review. Okay. Thank you for staying for the ride. Okay, this had won the award of fuck up of the year. Oh my god. Okay. Guys, you have to know. I've got no idea either. Like, I'm listening to this for the first time.
unknown:Alright.
SPEAKER_03:Today I fucked up by coming into a coconut. What? Anyway. I don't know how that can be a fuck up. I feel like that has to be a premeditated situation that you knew what you would do. What did he she, he, whoever, run and fall onto your face. Alright. Anyway.
SPEAKER_00:Anyway, around eight years back, I lived in northern Ms.
SPEAKER_03:Is it Missouri. No. Mun Mizum. A coastal southern African country. Oh, okay. With quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a health nut phase and only buying food she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week and use the food from the local market. Being a horny teenager, I fat in regular intervals. So is that like masturbated in regular intervals? Is that what it's saying it? Fact. Fat. F-A-D-P-E-D. Fat. Okay, that kind of sounds a bit better than like I whimped. Wanked.
SPEAKER_01:I had some special alone time.
SPEAKER_03:Unfortunately, there were some severely stressful examinations coming up for me, and such my fapping reached a higher peak than usual. And I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny Me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Oh, he's he is really struggling with where to put that thing. Honestly, to this day, I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea to good idea. But my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged. And kooky. I ended up grabbing the coconut drill. He really put a lot of effort into it. I don't know how they fucked up when it's like a lot of lot of effort's gone into this little scenario. And through 20-ish minutes of concerted effort, I ended up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my poker into. Or actually, porker. He's porker into. I decided it requires some lube and grabbed the nearest slippery thing, some butter.
SPEAKER_01:Oh my god, dude. It's like making a cake. I was gonna say, what's with all the condiments?
SPEAKER_00:Before shoving it into the coconut, followed shortly by my meat.
SPEAKER_03:Can you imagine going to just make an innocent little sandwich afterwards? And then, like, if this was your brother, say, and you're he's sitting there going, I know something else you can do with that butter.
SPEAKER_01:What? I'm just making a sandwich.
SPEAKER_03:I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good. So I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day. Bump bump bump bum. For the next week, the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off, I simply take it out and fuck it into its delightful tight hole. Made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as lubricant. Oh my god, this person just needs to go for a swim. Have a cold shower. Ice bar.
SPEAKER_00:It's heaven. Now, before I continue, I best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather, which exacerbated an already existent fly problem. Uh what's wrong with this person?
SPEAKER_03:Sorry, no judge. We did say no judgment. All right, I'm gonna change my okay. Keep telling the story with no judgment from me. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house. And the exterminators couldn't really do anything about it because it was a localized area problem that would just go away in the winter. About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck, I had been using it pretty much every day since then. I began to notice a few more flies than usual.
unknown:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03:I'm thinking maggots now. Oh my god, please don't let there be any maggots.
SPEAKER_00:As well as an odd, unpleasant smell in my room. I'm trying really hard to not judge this person.
SPEAKER_03:It must be the coconut, right?
SPEAKER_00:So I decided to fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
SPEAKER_03:I was gonna say girlfriend, but I don't want any girls near him.
SPEAKER_00:Worst mistake I have ever made.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my god, it's getting worse.
SPEAKER_00:You see, the reason for the increased number of flies were that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs.
SPEAKER_01:Oh my god, I was right.
SPEAKER_00:As I penetrated the coconut one last time, I began to feel a strange wriggling.
SPEAKER_01:No, no, this is too much. I can't even look at you while you're eating it.
SPEAKER_03:Puzzled, I pulled my cock out to discover that it is covered in rotted and moldy butter.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, and semen.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my god, I actually gang.
SPEAKER_01:Teaming with time. Oh my god, I spat on myself.
SPEAKER_00:They were wriggling all over my dickhead.
SPEAKER_03:And someone even trying to force their way up into my urethra. Stop it. He needs to go see someone some psychological something. Please tell me that he's this is just he's just making a story up and it's a made-up story. I screamed and threw the coconut against the wall, which made the situation worse by spilling the contents.
SPEAKER_00:Oh how is a vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning up the remnants was spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life. Never again, never again. Huh? This thing smells a little like it's rotting a bit. I guess I should shut my dick in one last time. What the fuck, OP?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Someone said, gee, son, you sure love coconuts, huh?
SPEAKER_03:They're really starting to pile up in your room. I actually have a little bit of chest pain now. That was so wrong. There's an edit. Oh, please say I'm just tricking ya. Jesus, this exploded.
SPEAKER_00:I'm glad my nuggete experience made some people laugh because I sure cry every time I think back to it. Edit two. Rest in peace inbox. A lot of people must be messaging. Edit three. Oh, that's just a thing. And Edit four. My shame has never been this large. 47,000 up votes. My story of a coconut fucking is now permanently etched into Reddit's history. Lord save me.
SPEAKER_03:Wowzers. We have to come up with a like something to just clear my brain, like some sort of brain floss. Brain floss? Like something to like, let's just finish on some sort of not that note. I really like your outfit today. Segue. You're looking really cute today. You're in a pretty cute little cornflower blue tee on with some cool knitted pair. Arnham knitted pair cute. And the writing on your shirt's kind of the same colour, so you can match.
SPEAKER_00:I did try to, you know. Match myself.
SPEAKER_02:You do look good. And I am having a particularly decent hair day today.
SPEAKER_00:You are, I do like your hair.
SPEAKER_02:It has settled down.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Note to self. Don't buy a box colour and dye your hair orange.
SPEAKER_00:That you could add to today I fucked up.
SPEAKER_02:Oh yeah, I did. I did, I did fuck up. Big time.
SPEAKER_01:I thought I've have have we not told everyone this story yet?
SPEAKER_02:Or where are we going to?
SPEAKER_00:I can't remember.
SPEAKER_03:So I have long hair, it goes down to my butt just about, healthy. I've never put any colour in it. I have had up lights in it a couple of times, but it's up lights. Low lights? Low lights. Low lights. Highlights are like bright, yes. So they're just low lights. Just to help with a few greys that are sneaking their way into my head. Anywho, I don't blow dry my hair. I sometimes put a curler in it if I've got a thing to do. And then my I have a healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy head of hair. And then I went to do something that was too many greys. I thought, hmm, good idea. Let's get a box colour and put it in. And in 25 minutes, I had completely ruined my hair.
SPEAKER_02:Well, too, I in my mind I'd ruined it. And it was orange. I'm not gonna say like Garfield the Cat orange, but it was definitely not a pretty colour. No, orange. And my hair was like dark blonde. Would you say it was dark blonde?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, absolutely. So then I um I messaged Chloe while she was away on holidays at 11:30 at night as I was crying in bed.
SPEAKER_00:Mum goes to sleep at 7:30.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, yes, so I was way awake, still crying. And um she gave me the number and the page of a lovely lady that is a specialist in this area, and I messaged her at 11.38 that same night. And anyway, she was able to see me. It was on a Sunday, and she fixed my hair so I didn't have to go to work looking orange.
SPEAKER_01:I have nothing against people that are born with orange hair, and it's your colour, you look beautiful, but when you are not and it's bleached orange, it's not pretty.
SPEAKER_03:So now I have really, really blonde hair. I don't have any grey, so we've solved that problem. And yeah, I kind of like it. Now it's taken me a good two weeks to come to terms with two three weeks, maybe I think to come to terms with a new look that I have now got.
SPEAKER_00:I love it.
SPEAKER_03:I'm happy with that. It's north, it's unusual. That's my summer look. Yes, do love. Okay, is that it for us? It is, it is, it is. And that's a wrap on this week's episode of Mum's Gone Wild. If you made it this far, congratulations, you've survived the chaos. Barely. Don't forget to follow or subscribe wherever you're listening so you never miss the next round of wild stories and unfiltered mum talk. And if you've got a confession story or something just juicy, we need to hear it. Send it in. You might just end up on a future episode. You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at Mums Gone Wild Pod. Come hang out, laugh with us, or roast us gently in the comments. Gently! We can take it mostly. All right, that's it from us. Same time next week. New chaos guaranteed. Because when two mums go wild, anything can happen. Goodbye. Bye.
